Photography has slowly become my way of looking at the world. It’s the chain that keeps me tethered to the world around me and my way of putting things into some semblance of an order.
It’s no accident that the word melancholy in my ‘name’. It’s a part of me that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. It’s something that has permeated through all aspects of my life and for a long time I thought maybe photography was the one exception to the rule. Sure, I had some off days but I never ever felt like I wanted to throw it all away. It kept me grounded, and kept me from feeling listless and lost.
I wonder if maybe I am having that tether ripped away from me, or whether I am subconsciously doing it to myself. That as I am feeling so disengaged from the people and the world around me, that maybe I am losing my ability to document and capture that engagement.
For whatever reason, I am finding it harder to just shoot. When I was doing the 365 Project, I had something that was constantly driving me and pushing me forward. I had to take a photo every day. But beyond even those restraints, I wanted to shoot that much. Now I don’t know what I want, or what I’m feeling.
Yes, I know that I should shoot through whatever this is. I shouldn’t wait for inspiration to come, I should proactively hunt it down.
Yes, some of an artist’s best and bravest work will come out of pain, or sadness, or loneliness. You can’t have light without darkness and what is photography if it isn’t light?
Yes, in all likelihood – hopefully – this feeling will pass. If it is true to the ebbs and flows I’ve experienced up until now, I will claw my way out of it.
And yes, my pain is nothing in comparison to what others are feeling and dealing with right now. I have heard this over and over again.
And no, I can’t imagine doing anything else. It’s just what do you do when you lose your spark? How do you regain something that is seemingly so personal and can’t really be taught or learned?